How to Write a Novel

I know I've done a number of "how-to" posts over the last few years, each more helpful than the last. However, I've skirted the main issue, the question everyone wants the answer to. The hardest part.

How to Write a Novel.

Everyone has a novel hiding somewhere in their head. Maybe it's just the kernel of an idea hanging out in the thalamus. Maybe it's a bit further along, inching over toward the frontal lobe. Either way, most people will never write their novel. Why? Well, to put it bluntly, they aren't smart enough.

You have to be really, really smart to write a novel. The first thing you should do is go out and get your IQ tested. If you measure up, then there's nothing to worry about. Go forth. Write your novel. I'm sure it will be awesome. Most would say the ideal novel-writing IQ is somewhere in the 144+ range.

But, what if you aren't smart enough? What if you don't fall within the ideal novel-writing IQ range, but you've still got the itch to get that idea out?

Well, then this blog is for you.

The first thing you'll want to do is create the perception that you're a smart, writerly type. Consider bringing a pipe with you everywhere and, whenever you want to be taken seriously, pull it out of your pocket and give it a couple puffs. It's best if you keep the pipe in the inside pocket of a tweedy, ill-fitting blazer. No one ever questions the intelligence of a pipe-smoker (so long as it is the right kind of pipe). Make sure that in all your photographs you're holding the pipe up to your mouth and preferably wearing a pair of dorky glasses. If you do this, you'll find that slowly your image starts to shift from "that weirdo in the corner" to "Writer Guy (or Girl)". It worked for me.

Appropriate topics of conversation:
Agents
Procrastination
The Hobbit
Rare Coffee Blends
Blogging

Inappropriate topics of conversation:
Sports
Writers' Block
Batman
Frozen Pizzas
Tetris

Next you'll want a sweet writing machine. Portability is super important, because you want to make sure that you can take your sweet writing machine out in public where everyone can see you writing. Another benefit to this is that you can also make snide twitter updates about the strangers surrounding you, which is a very important part of the writing process. I recommend finding a writing machine in an exciting color, because it will help you seem quirky and unique. You don't want to blend in with all the peons at the coffee shop who are doing real work. Load up on fancy software. These days it seems like everyone is offering some kind of program to help you process words better. Buy them all! This is an important step in becoming a Real Writer who has actually Written Things. If you can find a few stickers with writing puns that you can stick on your sweet writing machine, that will give you additional writing cred.

Eventually, if you keep this up long enough, you'll have a novel. Or, at least you'll seem quite writerly.

*pulls pipe out of pocket*

*takes a puff*

Good luck, my friend.

How Not to Format Your Manuscript

So, you've finally finished your masterpiece and are ready to mail it out to every agent in the universe. But, first you have to make certain it's as beautiful and professional-looking as you can possibly make it. A knowledge of basic formatting can give your story the extra zip it needs.

Take another look at the paragraph above. Don't read the words. Just look at it. A little boring, isn't it?

How about we tweak it a little bit?

So... you've finally finished your MASTERPIECE and are ready to mail it out to every agent in the universe!!! But, first you have to make certain it's as beautiful and professional-looking as you can possibly make it. A knowledge of "basic formatting" can give your story the extra zip it needs. :)

Isn't that much more interesting? The human eye gets bored looking at things that are the same size or color for too long. Adding different font sizes, colors and formats will ensure that the people reading your story won't lose interest. Plus, it means you don't have to commit to one type of font. Serif? Sans serif? Who cares? Use them all!

Next you have to ask yourself a very important question. Is your story too long? If your story is too long, an agent won't even read it or give it the change it so richly deserves. Fortunately, you can overcome this prejudice toward long stories by lying. In your query, make up an acceptable word count much lower than your novel's actual word count. Then, through the magic of formatting, you can make your book appear much shorter.

1.) Margins. You don't need them. Erasing all margins means that your page count will wind up much lower.

2.) Font size. The obvious advice is to lower your font size. However, did you realize that some fonts take up less room than others? Times New Roman is significantly narrower than Arial. You can cheat it even further by adjusting the kerning (squeezing the letters closer together).

3.) Do not send a Word document. Word documents immediately reveal true word count. All your work could be for nothing if an agent looks down and sees the true word count. Instead, send the pages as jpgs or tiffs. No one will ever know!

Sometimes an agent will complain about characterization or world-building. They have this need to understand every element of a story. As annoying as this is, it's important to anticipate. I recommend drawing sketches based on your novel. Then, when the agent complains that they didn't understand your characters or that the world-building seemed poorly developed, you can send them a picture. Take that, agents!

^This is a picture of my main character. Pretty, isn't she?

Finally, don't underestimate the power of subliminal messaging. There are many ways you can go about this... (inserting dollar $ign$ in place of letter$, highlighting words like publish and fame, or mailing naked photos of yourself to the agent in question).

Good luck, my friends! Go out and format something!

Tips for Writing an Ineffective Query Letter

1. Remember in Legally Blonde when Elle Wood printed her application out on pink paper and spritzed it with her personal scent? You should totally do this. It gives your query letter that extra razzle-dazzle to make it stand out from the endless collection of queries agents comb through every day. Of course, in this digital age, many agents only accept email submissions. In this case, you can achieve the same effect by using html formatting in your email to make it really exciting. Animations help. If you can turn your story title into a dancing .gif, you're almost guaranteed a request.

2. It's no good sending a query letter only to have it sit in an agent's inbox for months at a time. You have to make sure that an agent actually opens your email. The way to do this is with creative subject titling. Many sites offering querying advice will tell you to keep it simple, just use the name of your story and the word QUERY, or some other such nonsense. They're wrong. You need something that will really catch the agent's attention. Sometimes this might involve a bit of creative research. For example, if you can find out the name of the agent's beloved cat, then you can send a query with the subject title Your Cat Fluffy Ate All My Rat Poison (Greedy Bastard). A title like this guarantees an agent will open your email the moment it arrives.

3. Of course, all this work does you no good if your actual query letter isn't well-written and interesting.

• It should use vibrant and exciting language (like ZAP, POW and WHAMMY).
• It should explain why you want this particular agent to represent your work (another place where research can be an asset. The more personal, the better).
• It should make your book sound like something that has the potential to sell truckloads (try using the term "more popular than Harry Potter").
• It should sum up your story in enough breadth to make sure the agent understands all the important themes (if you can't accomplish this in a few paragraphs, just attach your whole story for them to read. Agents love attachments).
• It shouldn't take the focus away from the most important element of any good query letter: the author. You need a killer bio that explains your motivations for becoming a writer (money), your education (natural talent) and research (this blog). You also want to personalize your bio. Fun details from your medical history and past romantic relationships can give it extra zing.

4. After sending your query letter, you should hear back with an immediate request. Make sure you clear up any questions you have about future payment before sending your work in. Be careful! You don't want the agent stealing your work. They all secretly wanted to be writers like you, but couldn't come up with good ideas and thus turned to agenting. Putting watermarks on your pages is a good way to protect them.
Now all you have to do is sit back and wait for publication and the inevitable movie deal!